Opiate Use

[Revenger]

Hi msm. I've read you're thread and there's nothing else to add to the replies but just wanted to give my encouragement and support... You're obviously at a huge disadvantage being sick on top of addicted but FIFTEEN YEARS clean is incredible! Please don't feel anything negative towards yourself. You've clearly got more strength than the general population, who, like cat says, don't really have a clue. Look after yourself xxx

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[Msm8358]

Thank you so much for the support, especially from you, cat. You're right. I still have 15 good years of recovery, but I swore that I'd never go back. I couldn't even imagine myself using. I had a strong support network , homegroup, great sponsor ( still have that, at least). I was working, raising my kids, healthy...then, 8 years ago, I had , what was supposed to be, a routine procedure. 15 minute, outpatient, back to work the next day. Long story short, dr fucked up. Big time. I was left without a working bladder and needed emergency surgery and lots of blood transfusions to save my life.

Sorry if this is tmi, but once I started writing it.... Anyway, I've had dozens of surgeries and procedures and lots of infections and kidney stones that get stuck cause stupid bladder can't pass them, and I could go on and on, but you get the picture. The latest news is that I have to get my bladder removed because I'm having too many infections, 3 of which turned into sepsis.

I was so careful the first 7 years, then I got really depressed and started using more and more of my meds until it got out of control. I just can't believe I'm back in this position. I'm embarrassed and angry and am just hatin' life right now.

Done ranting and spilling my guts now...

 

[2earls]

so i'm really embarrassed to say that i fell down. the stupidest thing was that i felt fine--no wd at all.  then i don't know what got into me, but i just had a "fuck it" moment and placed orders.  and next week, my refills come due.i feel like crap right now. i don't know why i can't turn back around. i have no will power at all! i was perfectly fine for 15 years.  then came the surgery. and then another surgery. and another and another. and then long hospitalizations with that cute little dilaudid pump.  and the effed up thing is i know that i'll be back in the hospital.  i have an ongoing medical condition that causes major pain, and it doesn't matter how much clean time you have, once that first drug goes in, you're screwed, at least for me.

sorry for the rant.  i'm just feeling really down and hateful.

Hey Msm, don't be so hard on yourself. I couldn't begin to count how many times I've fallen off the wagon. I can't even count how many different things I was trying to quit! All I know is I don't do the vast majority of them anymore so at some point I was successful. You will be too if you finally get sick and tired enough of whatever you're doing. So you're not there yet, it's not the end of the world. If you put too much pressure on yourself it just makes things worse. Tomorrow is another day and I hope you can have a brighter outlook on your situation.

2E

 

[Guest]

Thank you so much for the support, especially from you, cat. You're right. I still have 15 good years of recovery, but I swore that I'd never go back. I couldn't even imagine myself using. I had a strong support network , homegroup, great sponsor ( still have that, at least). I was working, raising my kids, healthy...then, 8 years ago, I had , what was supposed to be, a routine procedure. 15 minute, outpatient, back to work the next day. Long story short, dr fucked up. Big time. I was left without a working bladder and needed emergency surgery and lots of blood transfusions to save my life.

Sorry if this is tmi, but once I started writing it.... Anyway, I've had dozens of surgeries and procedures and lots of infections and kidney stones that get stuck cause stupid bladder can't pass them, and I could go on and on, but you get the picture. The latest news is that I have to get my bladder removed because I'm having too many infections, 3 of which turned into sepsis.

I was so careful the first 7 years, then I got really depressed and started using more and more of my meds until it got out of control. I just can't believe I'm back in this position. I'm embarrassed and angry and am just hatin' life right now.

Done ranting and spilling my guts now...

It is not TMI, i actually was wondering (but would never ask) what was going on. So, you have a sponsor? Thats great! Go through steps 4 and 5 again, rinse, repeat.....lol. That always helps me with self lloathing and guilt. But do it with yourself. Let it go. Gosh, who can blame you for self medicating? Some really painful stuff!

I was actually thinking of steps four and five yesterday when reading your post. I didnt want to com across as a 12 step bible banger, so I didnt say anything. Everyone, including non-addicts, could benefit from the 12. While I am not completely sober, i work those friggin steps 4,5 and 9 and 10, which are really the same thing, over and over agan ALL of the time. Remember, let go and let God. You are moving in the right direction, because you are aware. You are doing exactly what you need to do to deal with circumstances. Get through your surgery and go from there. Dont give up. Thats an order! Lol!

Hope you have a good day, do four and five!

 

[trevor]

Msm put your trust in your faith as God doesn't give us more than we can handle, just give it to him and let it go. I will pray for your recovery and wish you the best. I have been where you are or at least I can relate. Prayers lifting you and your family up!

 

[Chris1]

Oh and btw.....lol on the "cute little dilaudid pump".......lol! Did you pet it and talk to it? Cuz I would have!

. I remember in Feb 2014 when I had my thyroid cancer surgery they had me on dilaudid pump. I would just push the the button when needed. Little did i know , it was blocking me up. I could not use the bathroom number 1 for days. So they started giving me pills instead and it worked. Thank god. So now I know they can't give me pain meds with needle. It was not a good experience. So at least I know the pain pills are fine.

 

[Guest]

That blocked up feeling is the worst! So glad you are recovered Chris! Do you still have pain?

I have a small lump in my thyroid. I get an ultrasound every year for it. It has not grown or changed in four years. I had a biopsy ( what fun) and it was negative. I may eventually, have to have it removed.

 

[Chris1]

I still have pain in my neck area. They did take my thyroid out and some lymph nodes cause it spread to about 6 of them. I take 4 mg of Hydromorphone when needed. I get tested every 6 months. After my surgery they did a body scan and said everything looks good. But I will be monitored every 6 month for the rest of my life. My lump was cancerous. If your lump is not, then I guess they will keep testing you to make sure it doesn't get any bigger. If you do have to get your thyroid taken out , you will be fine. It just takes time to live without one. But you will be fine.

 

[Chris1]

That blocked up feeling is the worst! So glad you are recovered Chris! Do you still have pain?

I have a small lump in my thyroid. I get an ultrasound every year for it. It has not grown or changed in four years. I had a biopsy ( what fun) and it was negative. I may eventually, have to have it removed.

. If you ever have any questions about this CatintheHat I would love to be any kind of help to you. Just message me and I will tell you as much as I know.

 

[Guest]

. If you ever have any questions about this CatintheHat I would love to be any kind of help to you. Just message me and I will tell you as much as I know. /default_smile.png

Thanks Chris1! I certainly appreciate that!

 

[nickiean]

My sister had a lump & most thyroid tumors are not cancerous but you never know. My sister was not but you never know. To get back on topic I take opiates daily & have for 11 yrs. will probably never be able to stop. I have however stopped taking the really strong meds like oxy & cut down to Percs 2xs a day. It was not easy but worth it for me. If I am really hurting bad I can take the oxy & it now works so much better as my tolerance is not so high. It is always a struggle when dealing with pain. If I'm honest it feels good to zone out & not have to feel the pain but it also causes you to zone out of life. I do much better when I remember that.

 

[Revenger]

Sounds like you've had a horrible time. I don't think anyone can blame you for slipping up in your situation. I have a real problem with self loathing an guilt so I sympathise with that, but I know its such a pointless emotion so do try not to beat yourself up.. Easier said Than done I know. Ive been listening to those affirmations where you put happy positive thoughts into your subconscious so that instead of believing you are a total loser and can't get anything right you are a bit more easy on yourself.

I bet if you were reading your post from someone else you'd be a lot kinder than you are being to yourself if that makes sense. You've been through such a lot, anyone would crack

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[Chris1]

I have a question. I take 4mg of Hydromorphone for pain. It's not for headaches but you would think it should help for that too. But it doesn't help with that. Is that normal?? Or am I to take something else for headaches. I get them everyday. Anyone know what would help? Thanks.

 

[Jwhite0009]

Sometimes certain pain meds will actually cause headaches or rebound headaches. When I take Lor... I often get headaches which makes no sense with the Tylenol in them. I usually add in Aleve or Excedrin & am good to go. I would try some OTC meds before you start mixing other things. Good luck.

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[wyldepixie]

Rebound headaches are common if you're taking 0pies as mentioned above. Like Jwhite said otc meds work decently on that type of headache. I prefer excederin migraine personally. Just watch out for taking Tylenol products on top of pea kays with Tylenol. It's perfectly okay to use ibuprofen with Tylenol products though.

 

[Msm8358]

Thanks for all the uplifting responses. It's so much easier to have sympathy for others but so hard when it comes to myself. dont know why that is, but it is.

@ cat -- I agree about the steps. They do work and help you stay clean. I just last week picked up my basic text again. I really think it's time for me to get back to basics with step 1 and powerlessness. I think I spent too long thinking that'd I'd be fine with the medication issue. I know better now. It just seems so unfair that I have to deal with the medication issue along with everything else.

 

[Revenger]

How are you all doing with your ope plans?

It's a shame you can't look at all a particular members posts and catch up that way.

Can I just check I'm right in believing there is no long term damage to your organs by heavy use of opes? I'm kind of counting on that.. Please put me right if I'm wrong

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[wyldepixie]

Revenger: Unfortunately thats not true especially if you're using pea kays with APAP in them.

 

[headbanger]

If you go to your doctor for routine blood work that will indicate any problems. You don't have to tell him why, just you want to get your annual testing done.

If there was something seriously wrong you would probably already sense it. Go to the doc. It will cost less than an order to SY.

 

[Guest]

Thanks for all the uplifting responses. It's so much easier to have sympathy for others but so hard when it comes to myself. dont know why that is, but it is.

@ cat -- I agree about the steps. They do work and help you stay clean. I just last week picked up my basic text again. I really think it's time for me to get back to basics with step 1 and powerlessness. I think I spent too long thinking that'd I'd be fine with the medication issue. I know better now. It just seems so unfair that I have to deal with the medication issue along with everything else.

I so understand about having no sympathy for ourselved. I am my own worst critic, sounds like you are too. That ties in with what revenger was talking about with self loathing and guilt. It is so easy for me to know that you need to be kind to yourself, and not do it for myself. I think I am starting to practice what I preach. I hold myself to different standards, which is not right. Sounds like you do too. I think I ith women, this is all too common. We all need to treat ourselves as gently as we would treat others. But how?